Growing Up With: Dead Space
When I was a kid, I was afraid of everything. I saw a horror movie when I was just a little too young and it was all downhill from there. I was afraid of the dark, being home alone, unexplained noises from down the hall, monsters under my bed, the list goes on. This interrupted my video game experiences as well, I never played the original Resident Evil because I was too scared. I had to have my older brother play certain parts of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time because it was just too much for me. I ran from anything that was or could potentially be scary for me. Until Dead Space…
In case you don’t know, Dead Space is a horror sci-fi game that came out in 2008. When I first heard about it, I absolutely refused. It doesn’t matter how cool it looks, it doesn’t matter how fun it could be, it was way too scary for me to even think about. It wasn’t until years later when the third installment was announced, I saw a trailer for it with my buddy. He said “Have you ever played the Dead Space games?” and I told him the truth: “Nope, too scary”. He then proceeded to explain to me how amazing the games are and that I have to play them.
I was around 20 at the time and thinking back now, I suppose it was just the matter of the fact that I was ashamed of how scared I was. I promised him that I would try it and I bought Dead Space on Steam that night. I worked second shift at the time and the only way I could enjoy any games was in the middle of the night and to keep from waking up my roommate, I had to wear headphones.
There I was, my first real horror game experience. Dead of night, headphones on… and I start the game. This game pulls no punches when it comes to horror. The sound design, the lighting, and the game-play all push the horror genre of video games to its limits. Needless to say I was scared, but that doesn’t really explain what I was feeling. One moment in particular I remember is when I just finished a particularly anxiety filled portion and I found myself in a bathroom. I remember hearing whispers which gave me the chills, I slowly peaked around the corner expecting a necromorph (the monsters in the game) to be waiting for me. But when I looked, there wasn’t anything there but the toilet. I remember staring at the toilet for a while, just trying to collect myself. When I finally started to feel better, I turned around and of course, there was a necromorph waiting for me. I screamed, shut off my computer, leaned over to my garbage can and violently threw up. The game had scared me so badly that my body physically couldn’t handle it.
I spent the next few days avoiding my computer and bathrooms (unless I really had to go and even then I took every precaution). I had to sit myself down and focus, was I really going to let a video game dictate my emotions for the rest of my life? Am I really this much of a coward? I couldn’t live the rest of my life like this. I had to keep playing, to prove to myself that I no longer have to live in fear (dramatic, I know but this is how it felt at the time). I trudged through, suppressing every urge to vomit again and eventually… I beat the game. However, spoiler alert: the game ends with a jump-scare and again the unexpected fear caused me to vomit.
Despite the humiliating form of victory, I still won. I conquered my fear and managed to finish the game. I felt so good about it that the next day, I bought Dead Space 2. I braced myself for another terrible ride but… nothing. The game is still scary for sure and the jump scares got me, but overall I wasn’t scared, at least not like how I was in the first game. Was it the game? No, it still had all the same elements as the first. I wasn’t afraid to watch scary movies now either. I felt… no nothing…
After years of self reflection I finally came to the conclusion that Dead Space scared me so badly that my body now rejects fear from different forms of media. Scary pictures, videos, games, and stories. They don’t affect me like they used to. I still get scared of course, a fear of heights still persists in my life, and when I walk alone in the dark it’s not a ghost or a necromorph that I think is going to get me but a mugger or a bear. And now the remake of Dead Space has been released and I actually look forward to playing it again. Years of reflection, self inflicted trauma, only to find myself picking up the controller and ready to conquer the fear that once afflicted me. I’m keeping my vomit bucket nearby just in case.
